Questions that popped up in my head while crossing Williams St, while walking towards Boon Boona acrosss the black ice: What’s the relationship between addiction and shame? I used to think that addiction triggers/causes shame and I’m wondering if the opposite is true — can it be that feeling (or masking of) shame drivers addictive, compulsive behaviors?
Yesterday, I worked until the afternoon and then from 3-5pm, had my first own sensual photo shoot. Tomás, the photographer, had posted a story on Instagram, stating that because he was out of work this week, was open to side gigs including photography, videography. His work piqued my interest; in particular, I saw him post a few really aesthetically beautiful photos, including one of his partner (her and him have a long distance relationship). Long story short, I hired him for a little photoshoot that includes headshots (for LinkedIn), photos with the two puppies (Metric and Mushroom), and a few sensual, topless photos of me. What lead me to this decision (also, I’m trying to pose questions to myself in this way, intentionally replacing the word “why did you do this?” with “what lead you to …”) ? I’m 35, proud of my body and want to capture it. And I’m going through what feels to me a monumental identity rebirth: the in-progress divorce has really made me question more deeply my own insecurities, fears, aspirations.
My mom is turning 60 this year (of the dragon) and recently, almost every phone conversation we had, was her stating (not her words exactly): “Go after what you want.” Although this suggestion, in the wrong context, can reinforce behavior that may be perceived to others as selfish, for me, I think I can apply this advice mindfully. I want to be more deliberate, more intentional around my life pursuits: who I hang out with, why I pursue certain goals. Is it for others? Is it for me? Or, playing with dialectics a bit: can it be both?
Also, today’s biggest relationship buider between my mom and myself was verbally communicating to her that: “Yes — I don’t like hearing negative things about people I love. Who doesn’t? And at the same time, I’m willing to hear it. Me not enjoying hearing negative things about people I love is something that is unlikely ever going to change.” That was my wise mind, FAST, GIVE, response to my mom. Historically, for the past 15 years or so, that’s a statement she’s made to me repeatedly (it’s interesting, I probably have similar mantras that I rehearse to people over and over).
Also, I got a good night’s rest and it’s amazing how regulated emotionally I feel and the clarity in cognition.
Sleep. For me — totally essential. And I honestly have no clue how I was able to perform — as a husband, as a dad, as an employee, as a student who was getting his masters in computer science – during the period in which Elliott was just a few months old. I was running really hot (so was Jess), tapping into the already depleted energy reserves. Honestly, I have more self-compassion now; the fact that Jess and I lasted this long in our relationship elicits wonder in me (among other emotions, of course).
In an old blog post, I described how I wanted to experience more failure. The motivation then was that often more failures (hypothetically, but with some nuance) serve as an indicator (potentially) that you are pushing the boundaries and growing. Because, the premise is, you cannot truly be successful if you haven’t failed. Now, I take issue with that premise but that’s not the point of this post. I bring up this older blog post because I’m not looking to experience failure for the sake of it; however, I’m now wise mind rephrasing it. I want to expose myself to (perceived) rejection because the fear of criticism has held me back in ways while at the same time pushing me to performance externally.
Let’s unpack this.
Definite Chief Aim
- Retry sending a transaction for Fox
- Attend weekly class with Tracey (Waacking) and Orb (House) and jump into a cypher for soul city
- Post some updates on Instagram