This morning, I met with a friend of mine named call him R. Felt a lot of love and connection with him and appreciate him as a friend.
I felt seen. When he said he saw my Instagram post on getting divorced, it really hit him hard (I was surprised by this), his wife also expressing how surprised she was by his reaction. He had mentioned that my (soon to be ex) wife, Jess, lifestyle is also going to change pretty significantly as well. When I asked him what he meant by that, he so clearly stated that “You’re paying for an apartment for her and Elliott to live in London” and that her lifestyle change as a consequence of the divorce.
Wow. I didn’t realize other people (close friends of ours) recognize that.
In addition, I had mentioned that with the divorce, the responses from Jess have been rather delayed. I felt some self-compassion when he stated that other friends of his, going through a divorce (also with kids) experience that same, where one partner — often the person who triggers the divorce — drags their feet, their responses delayed, potentially due to a feeling of control in the situation.
For me, I’ve sorted of relegated all control.
And at the same time, I’m still fighting. For me. For my daughter.
R had also remebered, from the last time we met a few months ago in his home, that one thing I wished I had done differently, in retrospect, was to sleep next to my wife at night. For the past 4 years, I slept in a separate room in order to get a good night’s sleep AND I missed sleeping next to her. It’s a reminder of an example of my needs — due to competing and different values — not getting met. I historically have a thought pattern that the problems in my relationships … are caused by me and solely me. And I recognize that any relationship consists of two (sometimes more) people and that as a system, each person(s) contribute to the relationship ending.