I surprisingly embraced (without judgement) what my mom texted me today: “You are perfectly imperfect.” Historically, I would’ve felt, in response to perceived criticism, this … subtle, invisible to the naked eye, twinge in my body. However, recently (in the past 1.5 weeks), I’ve been getting more and more curious about (my own and general concept of) perfectionism. As I’ve mentioned in the recent previous daily reviews, I’ve learned that perfectionism is the birthplace of shame. And for this reason, I’ve been digging deeper into this emotion because it’s as if a freight train hit me, a new awareness that I’ve been striving for perfectionism in many facets of my life:
- Being the best dad
- Being the best husband
- Being the best employee who is gunning for a promotion
- Being the best software founder
- Being the best dog owner
- Being the best son
- Being the best dancer
Notice a pattern (obviously):
Best. Best. Best.
And of course, there are some things I strive for for the sake of the craft. And at the same time, I’m realizing that there’s this (for lack of a better word) shadow side.
Most recently, as you can see from the featured image, I pierced my septum. Last night, I was SO excited and was checking in with wise mind, checking in to see if it was fear. And nope, it was excitement. Sometimes I still have a challenging time distinguishing the two emotions because both cause similar physiological changes: heart racing, racing thoughts.
It was interesting to observe my own thoughts just before scheduling the septum piercing appointment: will be people think I’m unhinged? Will they think I’m crazy? Will they think I am unstable in the midst of this ongoing divorce? Will they think that it’s a mid life crisis?
For majority of my life, the fear of criticism, the fear of disappointment others, the fear of letting people down, has in some ways pushed me towards taking the safe route (I’m aware that I also score low on tranquility and compared to the average, I’m less averse to danger).